Here's a question: How can I manage to run into people I most hope not to see (i.e. miscellaneous exes), but NEVER run into old crushes I would like to see again--even though we all live in the same town.
Back when I was growing up in what anyone would consider to be a small town, I thought Kansas City was one of those places where someone could maintain a semblance of anonymity. Not so, it turns out. No one tells you Kansas City is the place where ex sightings can and will happen at random any day of the week.
Much like Murphy's Law, so is the Law of Ex. Wherever an ex is, that is where you will inadvertently be as well, looking your worst and being caught totally off guard. Wouldn't it be nice if there were a GPS simply made for exes? It would normally not track their whereabouts, (because we don't know or care what they are doing) but would alert you if you were within a five mile radius. Maybe it would start off beeping very slowly and quietly, and become gradually louder if you were unfortunate enough to come into closer range. If you still continued to tempt fate, the thing would start vibrating and yelling (in an Australian accent, just because it sounds so nice) "Warning, warning". Finally, the lights and sirens would go off, and the ever-so-helpful Australian man would blast out "For God's sake, RUN!" At which point you would attempt to escape the awkwardness and possible painful bouts of crying uncontrollably. If you happened to be out on a date with an attractive male, however, you would turn it off and of course inch ever closer to the target so he could see how you've moved on and are just fine, thank you very much.
Hmm...I may have just come up with my million dollar idea.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Toads and Princes
So...as a single girl of a certain age, I have been tossed once again, kicking and screaming, into the bottomless crevasse that is the world of dating men in the 35-45 age group. Note to all of you "currently marrieds" out there who might (God forbid) find yourself in this position or dream of it however briefly on occasion--dating is NOT any more fun now than it was when you were younger. The difference is that now most of the men out there have bellies that are slaves to gravity and much less hair on their heads than in the dear old mullet days. That having been said, I am certain I will meet the man of my dreams when I have gleaned all possible knowledge about dating in the year 2008. Here are five little tidbits I can impart to you:
1. If your date goes on and on about "the frat house", sports a tattoo of Greek symbols on his ankle and has been out of college for ten years or more, there is a problem.
2. If your date seems to have an unnatural obsession with ANYTHING, run fast and far away. This includes unnatural obsessions with you.
3. If your date resides with a family member and is over the age of 35, he should be considered potentially undateable. That is, of course, unless his house was recently hurricane-ized, flooded beyond recognition, or sucked up by a tornado. If you do decide to date Mr. Nuclear Family, resign yourself to the fact that he WILL be at your house all the time, and therefore most of your dates will consist of you cooking for him while he lounges on the couch watching a movie you either own or have paid for On Demand.
4. If your date is 40 or over and has never been married, THERE IS A REASON!! I can't speak to what that reason is, but you will know it within the first ten minutes spent with him.
5. If on the first date he seems nice but there is no spark, you can't hope for one to magically appear on the second date. Trust me, your interest will dwindle from there. At one point I decided I would just try to "go out" with people even if I didn't find them particularly interesting. In the course of two dates mildly uninteresting often becomes completely unbearable, especially after you find out he is over 40, never been married, obsessed with Star Trek, lives with his mother and sister, and needs to find a girl who shares his interests in online role-playing games and Ultimate Fighting.
The bright side of dating is that it is possible to sock away the little pieces of random information that might just help in future dating scenarios. Even if it's something as simple as "When I eat salsa, it usually finds its way down my front, so next time, don't wear white." Little by little you can become better at this infinite search, or at least more capable of separating the toads from the princes--or maybe just better at identifying the toads prior to accepting a dinner invitation from one of them.
1. If your date goes on and on about "the frat house", sports a tattoo of Greek symbols on his ankle and has been out of college for ten years or more, there is a problem.
2. If your date seems to have an unnatural obsession with ANYTHING, run fast and far away. This includes unnatural obsessions with you.
3. If your date resides with a family member and is over the age of 35, he should be considered potentially undateable. That is, of course, unless his house was recently hurricane-ized, flooded beyond recognition, or sucked up by a tornado. If you do decide to date Mr. Nuclear Family, resign yourself to the fact that he WILL be at your house all the time, and therefore most of your dates will consist of you cooking for him while he lounges on the couch watching a movie you either own or have paid for On Demand.
4. If your date is 40 or over and has never been married, THERE IS A REASON!! I can't speak to what that reason is, but you will know it within the first ten minutes spent with him.
5. If on the first date he seems nice but there is no spark, you can't hope for one to magically appear on the second date. Trust me, your interest will dwindle from there. At one point I decided I would just try to "go out" with people even if I didn't find them particularly interesting. In the course of two dates mildly uninteresting often becomes completely unbearable, especially after you find out he is over 40, never been married, obsessed with Star Trek, lives with his mother and sister, and needs to find a girl who shares his interests in online role-playing games and Ultimate Fighting.
The bright side of dating is that it is possible to sock away the little pieces of random information that might just help in future dating scenarios. Even if it's something as simple as "When I eat salsa, it usually finds its way down my front, so next time, don't wear white." Little by little you can become better at this infinite search, or at least more capable of separating the toads from the princes--or maybe just better at identifying the toads prior to accepting a dinner invitation from one of them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
